Years of living as a single mother means that I learned how to cope and even enjoy this season, content in my place sans husband.
I learned that Christmas was filled with making new memories and not mourning over the memories that brought back huge holes in my happiness and inadequacies within my spirit. It was a conscious decision. I remember making it. I don't remember the year, or the exact date (I'm sure if I looked in my journals I could retrieve it). But, I remember the moment.
One of the negatives about my situation: I had to share Christmas with my ex and his family (he remarried about 3 months after we were divorced).
One of the positives about my situation: I had to share Christmas with my ex and his family.
What happened? What prompted it being an Aha! moment?
I was sitting in my red prayer chair. I believe it was just a few days before Christmas.
For years, I had been frustrated about Christmas. I felt I was the one that got the raw end of the deal - you might relate. Every year my ex and I would flip Christmas Eve/Christmas Day. So, some years I had them over Christmas night and some he did. But, either way, my Christmas was pretty much screwed.
As a teacher, we started Christmas Break on the 23rd. This didn't allow enough time for me to go home to family and get back in time to exchange the kids. I was about 5 hours away from my family. If I had my kids on Christmas Eve and they were able to sleep and wake with me on Christmas Day, I still had to be available to exchange them at noon on Christmas Day. If I had them on Christmas Day, I couldn't drive 10 hours and be back in time for me to get the kids exchanged.
And as for a family Christmas dinner - it never happened. From the time my children were 5,7, and 9 they were unable to enjoy their Grandmother and/ cousins, etc. on Christmas. And neither was I.
I could handled even that except that once they were gone, I was alone. I didn't have a spouse to enjoy and I was cheated out of having my own family to enjoy. So, I became a little cynical. It wasn't all the time, it just creeped up, bit me in the face in spurts. This cynicism, when it raised its ugly head, brought me quickly into a deep drop of emotional sadness.
It was the pits. Truly the pits!
I was sitting in my red-prayer-chair writing in my journal. I specifically cried out to God and asked Him to please change my attitude. It wasn't healthy for me, for my kids, even for my job. I was simply tired of being sad about Christmas. There had to be something more.
A friend of mine dropped by to deliver some home-baked Christmas goodies and asked me how I was doing. I decided to get honest with her and not veneer over my response with a smile and I'm doing great. I simply said, "Not so good". She probed and I answered openly. I explained the whole exchange frustration and she understood the dilemma.
She offered an idea. Why not go somewhere you want to go when the kids are gone. Someplace that will give you some good memories and bring you some joy. I was shocked that I had never thought of it myself.
The idea slipped into my head and I had a little window of hope of making new memories. This idea morphed into several different plans. Rent a hotel room in a city you want to visit. Travel to a fun area and get a cabin. Staying in Dallas and going into the city for an evening of Theatre or Concerts. I even came up with an idea of planning to have the kids and I take a trip to my mom's and our family plan around another favorite holiday. Make that special holiday a memory building time. I chose Easter. I got them every year for Easter and I took them out of school a couple of times two early. It put a hardship on me, because I would have to plan for a sub, but it was well worth it.
And so began a little new hope called: My new Christmas Memory Files. I went to Houston, I went to Denver, I went to cabins. This gave me the opportunity to take time before the New Year to make plans and goals that I would never have done if I had not decided to live my life seeking peace within my own soul This, I believe was one of the greatest gifts I gave to my children.
I simply decided to have Christmas as a time to enjoy my kids and a new adventure. The family time was another time of year. I no longer felt cheated. I no longer felt less-then.
It was a great time from then on. And oh the sweetness I discovered with God during those times was amazing. You might not share my faith, but for me I found the relationship with Him deepened and sweetened.
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| A memory shared from my life in Germany. |
And now?
I look forward to sharing some eggnog with The Man. A sleepy, happy Christmas time. A heavenly time with his sister. And, the joy of peace on earth, Good Will Toward Man.
Please know that your single parenting does not keep you from a joyful Christmas time. Take this time to discover more of who you are. It will always behoove you to know what makes you happy. Don't hesitate to find it and enter into it. You are worth it. Your children deserve you to be all you can be!
May you be blessed this wonderful Christmas time. Remember that it is a time of Hope, Joy, and LIFE!
RoRoEbenezer
& HoneyB (The Man)
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